I’ve often made friends with creatures from the underworld in an attempt to feel mothers love.
I’m not afraid of them, so they come near, but then they bind me to psychic cords that are unconscious and heavy.
I’m releasing this story now, thanks to my helpful Allie’s, guides, back to source with gratitude for everything I’ve learned.
And I’m not gonna make such wishwash contracts with tricksters in the future. It’s tempting when I feel a sense of lack.
But the Earth is the womb that holds me now. And I trust her innate power.
I love my darkness but unchecked it begins to project its shadow unto whomever and whatever’s close.
In an attempt to get the hurt out of my system Ive placed it outside of me, constantly focusing on other people as the source of my distress.
But as we know, as both givers and recipients of another’s shadow material, this is not an effective method to get our needs met for mother’s love.
We gotta look within. And to the Earth, Ya know? Or maybe I don’t know.
I don’t have a definitive answer.
Still on the quest for new tools.
But yeah. I see it in myself and others so clearly in the moonlight.
All of us acting like authorities. meanwhile our monsters are still wreaking havoc going unchecked through addiction, gaslighting and abuse.
We all have a dragon, a creature, an animal, a monster, primal drives that make someone want to fight and fuck and say I don’t care.
We all have childhood trauma.
Birth itself is the first rite of passage.
And from then on and on.
So how do we own it? How do we start to look within rather than project or deflect or live in denial?
What is the source of these patterns and what can we do to work with this stuff? How do we heal our trauma?
How do we slow down enough and have enough room in our heart to stop distracting ourselves with the childish blame game?
And say, hey inner child.
Hey little shadow monster.
What’s your name?
What do you need?
How can I carry you through a rite of passage so you can finally grow up?
Maybe this is why some folks think we witches are ‘friends’ with demons.
Well, we kinda are.
Not friends, but not afraid.
Not afraid to confront them and help them home, so that they and us may be in loving relationship with all life.
I ponder this as I simultaneously break contracts and psychic agreements with several people and places that feel vampiric and no longer welcomed across the threshold to where I’m evolving to next.
I’m so not into cancel culture and have been hurt several times by others who write me off or project onto me without direct dialogue.
I’ve hurt people by callously rejecting them without explanation and justifying it with my own egos need to hide my shadow.
Im doing my best to acknowledge it. To bring close. Maybe then there can be a release.
I’m looking for how we can cultivate mother’s love together, ya know?
And II’m dedicated to clearing the distortions that prevent us from feeling it clearly and abundantly.
That said, as I stand at this next threshold of my life story, I’m releasing the old stories, people, places and timelines that are not mine to hold.
It’s a messy process.
It takes time to even become attuned to it.
And as the acknowledgment of my shitty behavior becomes compost and turned into soil of soul, I’m planting seeds.
Anyways maybe all of this is too cryptic.
Just to say I fucked up and was unsavory and I made friends with unsavory people because at the time I was trying to get my needs met and then found out they were unsafe and so I blocked them and blamed them, meanwhile denying my own responsibility and thinking I’m the moral authority.
And I’m choosing not to do that anymore.
Because if I really wanna be in integrity I need to be willing to actively heal my own trauma.
And that takes a shit ton of willpower to turn the wheel of the ship, ya know?
Anyways, Full Moon thoughts.