Can I get a witness?
Preface: I’m expressing this publicly because I need to be witnessed. I’m feeling intensely as I sit by the river and process. I need to be seen in my vulnerability , radical honesty, and in pain.
If you’re able to hold space, offer support, or prayers thank you you’re welcome to read on.
Stalkers haters and lurkers can mosey right along now ya hear? Nothing to see here
Sigils and guards
Uggghhhh I’m going through withdrawls. Love is a straight drug. I’m certain!
Cuddles! Touches! Texts! Attention! Secuuuuuurityyyyyyyy (as the word echoes into the abyss) Noooooo!!!!
I keep finding myself looking around for someone to coregulate with, to make decisions with, to do life with.
And it’s not him anymore.
It’s so disorienting.
I feel shell shocked. Like my ears are still ringing from the explosion of it all. Like I’m waking up from my Stockholm Syndrome.
I’m waking up in Stockholm but it’s Portland and I’m like ‘yeah I wanna be here’ haha but then I’m like whyyyyy and then I think of california and I’m like nooooo.
Where’s my home? Who’s my person? What is the meaning of liiiiiife?!!!
I’m standing here with my one suitcase shaking with determination glaring from my eyes as I wearily dedicate to this change.
I can’t, I won’t stay in that dynamic any longer.
I’m committed to spending time alone to heal. I won’t rebound out of habit into the next entanglement. 6-9 months of celibacy is my goal.
I will practice discernment.
This last relationship literally almost took my whole life down. As I look at the remnants of my own sovereign resources that remain after merging with another, they’re all left in scattered pieces.
My job, my car, my apartment, my friends, my music all dissolved when I enmeshed my focus into a romantic entanglement.
My whole mindset, sense of emotional security, self confidence, creative sovereignty and mental health has suffered extremely.
I persevered through to create what I’ve created. When the ground would slip from under me, I’d catch my feet. But it’s exhausting.
I gave my whole life to someone else who I barely knew, because I was afraid of my own power. It’s all I knew how to do.
I got with him even when I knew clearly we weren’t ready. And he got with me when he wasn’t ready either.
Why????? Well, I have a belief that when I’m in love I’m supposed I dive all the way in. I wanna be married in a true sacred Union so much, I commit too early. I’ll settle with less than I need and live the lie just to experience the marital narrative of it all.
I just want a home. And family. And coregu*mfin*lation.
I have this limiting belief that I need to let people have their way with me in exchange for the security of my basic needs, a family and a life.
Feeling exposed. But yep, there it is.
I own that this is my pattern.
I own that I feel lost.
I own that I need clear direction to forge a new path ahead.
The choices I make next need to come from a different part of me than the authority that’s guided my steps before.
There’s an unseen option just hanging there in a cloud not yet realized in the limited programming of my old understandings.
I’ve gotta stop and look at the patterns inside me that keep me in these cycles of unhealthy relationships.
I’ve gotta stop messin around.
Life is short and there’s too much to do.
I’m commiting with my whole heart to this healing, so that maybe one day with lots of hard work, I can reset my antennae and tune in with more clarity to the signal of what healthy romantic love feels like.
It’s soooo hard. It’s so uncomfortable. It’s painful to feeeeeeel. It’s scary not to knoooooow…
But do you wanna know why I’m grateful?
Cuz I’m AWAKE.
I’d rather sit lucidly in this tangible suffering, lean in, learn from it, glean it’s wisdom and then forgive so I can live in the truth.
The bliss I’ll feel from The work I’ll do.
The relief my future self surely feels to be free from ignorance, greed, selfishness and indulgence.
It’ll be soooo much more vital, honest and actual.
I’d rather do that work than to be in denial. I’d rather frown earnestly and learn to transmute than to fake smile.
Otherwise it’s just some more false light in this world. It’s just some trickster unconscious contract gaslighting denial land mind magick.
And for real, that sh*ts wack. Haha
I mean, yes, the creature comfort of partnership at the expense of our standards of integrity is appealing.
It serves us because we stop changing our own gears manually and get to just coast on automatic. Feels good for awhile until we ride our unconscious patterns…straight off a cliff.
Time. And time. Again.
But for that moment in the romantic free fall we get to abandon ourselves and feel the freedom in space as we get high on the thrill of insecure attachment.
Weeeeee it’s so impassioned.
But where do you think that inevitable inertia in the relationship as a whole is going in your life? THE CLIFF!!!!!
So, If you’ve come this far in reading, I urge you.
Don’t settle in your romantic relationships! Your life is too precious. Segx is too sacred. Our childhood issues run too deep.
Stop. Wait and see. Do the work. Learn to be alone. Vet people. Make them fill out an application. Give them your pamphlet. Study them. And more importantly…
Study Your SELF.
For real though.
Anyways, may my flaws and public sufferings and dramatic musings be an example for you and validate the hole that’s universally there to fall into when you ‘fall’ in love.
Sharing makes this whole shituationship feel like less of a failure.
It’s a teaching.
Amazing projection art and photograph by Morgan Paige for her upcoming Art Show 'Poetegenic Expressions' for LifePathThree